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Let me say this about that.

Shocking news was released in the latest issue of “Consumer Reports” magazine regarding one of America’s most common sources of protein – chicken.  “Consumer Reports” has been testing chickens for bacteriological contamination since 1998 and reports it’s finding once per year.  This year’s analysis consisted of testing 382 store-bought broilers purchased in over 100 stores nationwide.  The results are shocking.

Two out of three chickens purchased in grocery stores were contaminated by either salmonella and/or campylobacter bacteria.  Neither bug is much fun.  Symptoms for both include violent stomach cramps, high fever, nausea, vomiting and bloody diarrhea.  This is some serious crap (pardon the pun) as the more acute cases can even result in death. 

Death by chicken.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture sets standards for bacteriological contamination in chickens and conducts it’s own tests.  Problem is, the USDA standard allows 20% of tested chickens to be contaminated by bacteria and still sold in stores – your tax dollars at work.  You pay your taxes for the privilege enjoying 3 or 4 days of bloody diarrhea.  Well, this is simply unacceptable,  so I…    contacted the USDA about their plans to improve their safety standards.

Shambo:  “I’ve read the Consumer Reports  findings on contaminated chicken.  What are you doing about those that grew dirty birds?”

UDSA:  “Who you calling dirty nerds?”

Shambo:  “I didn’t say ‘you dirty nerds’ – I said ‘grew dirty birds’.  You know, like Kentucky Fried and Colonel Sanders.”

USDA:  “I’ve never been to Kentucky and I don’t know anyone named Sanders.”

Shambo:  “Look, you guys are allowing contaminated chickens to be sold in stores.  Since you’re not doing your job, Americans can’t safely eat chicken anymore.  What sort of fowl would you suggest we eat instead?”

USDA:  “You’re gonna eat owl?”

Shambo:  “Oh,  for crying out loud.  I want to speak to your supervisor.”

USDA Supervisor:  “Yes sir.  What seems to be the problem?”

Shambo:  “I was just talking to that idiot employee of yours about the serious contamination problem with store-bought chickens.  That lame-brain had no idea what I was talking about.  What are you going to do about it?”

USDA Supervisor:  “The lame-brain or the chicken?”

Shambo:  “THE FRICKIN’ CHICKEN !!!! “

USDA Supervisor:  “No need to get all snippy sir.  Like all government bureaucracies, we’re here to serve your needs.  However we can’t do anything about the ‘chicken issue’ because they are not an endangered species and PETA is all over our ass about the ‘quality-of-life’ on chicken farms.  So, I would suggest that you substitute another protein in the place of chicken.”

Shambo:  “Like what?”

USDA Supervisor:  “I hear Kangaroo is nice.”

Shambo:  “Not gonna happen.  What other choices do I have?”

USDA Supervisor:  “The only other thing I can think of is to make sure you cook your chicken really, really well.”

Shambo:  “Do you think it would be OK if I continued smoking my chicken?”

USDA Supervisor:  “Chokin’ your chicken is a matter of personal lifestyle sir. Personally I was into buckin’ my duck, but I was free-basing heavily in those days.  Fortunately for me, this government job came along and I’ve given up drugs …. still working on my duck issues.”

And, that’s all I have to say about that.

Shambo